Hey look, I care!

First off, fishnets and heels make me feel sexy. And feeling sexy makes me feel confident. That is all.

I used to not care about my appearance. I would leave the house wearing whatever I felt like, not caring if it matched, went together, or even looked good. Mostly jeans and black... black T-shirts, grey shirts, never really any color. And when I wore color, I never really felt all that comfortable in it. I never really wore anything that could be considered daring, because I was getting the impression from everyone that I should be ashamed of my body, because it wasn't perfect. So if there was something that I could wear to hide myself, then I should.

But I'm not... cringeworthy. I have a belly, and large thighs, yes. But I also have a waist. Do you know how long it was before I realized that? I think I may have actually jumped for joy, because here was a sign, a sign that I did have a shape. And it wasn't round. The more I studied myself in the mirror, and the way that clothes fit me, I realized that I do have a pretty decent shape. Curvy, but I'd much rather be curvy than stick thin.

Now, I actually enjoy getting dressed. I take the time once a week to put together outfits for the week, and while I try to stick to those outfits pretty exactly there are some times when the outfit just isn't working out the way that I thought it should. But that's OK, because that's some of the fun of it - letting outfits develop the way that you feel they should. Or trying some new trend because you have the clothes for it, and who gives a damn if you don't have the right body type?

I read an article today on someone else's blog called "Come back, Pretty" or something like that. I agree with the basic premise - when you leave the house, you should make sure that you look alright. It wasn't that long ago that women were wearing full skirts, crinolines, dresses, heels, gloves and hats every time they left the house, because it was what was expected of them. I don't know when society stopped expecting that of women, but I don't think it was a good idea. I like the more lax rules of dressing that we have now, but I like the idea of putting your 'best face forward' when you go out into the world. (This doesn't mean that I am above schlepping around the house in sweatpants and all my lovely grossness. It just means that I try not to bring that OUTSIDE.)

But yes. For the past two months I have been planning my outfits. For the past week and a half I have been wearing makeup every time I leave the house. Even if I don't plan my outfit, I am sticking to my personal style rule of never wearing sweats outside of the house. There are some limits, after all.

It's not a diet, it's a "lifestyle choice"...

I've always thought that line was complete and utter bullshit, personally. But at the same time I would be knocking it down, I would see other people who have made similar "lifestyle choices" losing tons of weight. While I stayed fat.

Obviously something wasn't right here. Either I was wrong about diets being bad/I had the wrong mindset, or eating all that junk food was making me fatter, which made other people just seem skinnier in comparison. But I still couldn't get into the mindset that I wasn't doing something bad, wasn't constricting myself in some way. I got used to people making comments about how I looked, or how I could be better, because in some way it seemed as though it was better to live with the comments then it would be to actually fix the problem.

In the past couple of days, something changed. In an email that I sent to one of my friends, I said that I was "sick of being fat". But that's not really the whole story. I'm sick of being... in a place, mentally and emotionally, where I am just content. I don't have any challenges, I don't have any real fun, I just exist from day to day. And I think that for too long, I have accepted that that was the way things were supposed to be, instead of reaching out and changing them.

But now I'm done with that. I'm working on eating better (right now I'm working on not eating all of my junk food at once, so if I eat something junky I have to balance it out with something healthy. Today my choices are a)small bag of chips with water b)can of Mtn. Dew with carrots, c) perogies with either some Dew or water, and d) chocolate with water. I hope that'll be enough to keep me full for a while, as I really don't want to have to go back to the store.) I'm putting myself out in the world more - joined the Socrates Cafe at the library, and I'm planning on working a lot less this summer and maybe going on some trips with my friends. And speaking of work, I'm not working as much as I used too, though my stress level hasn't gone down that much. But I guess babysteps are the way to go.

Scratch that. I KNOW babysteps are the way to go, and they're the only way that I am going to get any real results out of these changes. So yes. Babystepping.