It's funny how there is so much that I want to blog about, but I don't end up doing it because I don't want people to read what I write and end up thinking that I am a douchebag. Because that, to me, is what people are going to think when they read about me going "I look good today", or "I wore a short skirt!"

One of my friends recently found this blog, and I know that two more people are following it, but... I'm not really sure how I feel about this. When I started the blog, I wanted people to read it. But it's not a fashion blog. It's not even really a style blog, just a collection of rants and ravings about how I can make myself feel better about the shitty way that I look most of the time.

And that's pretty much what I think - I look shitty most of the time. I look pulled together, but always... boring. I would love to be one of those people who can put on makeup every day, make fabulous outfits, have the courage to wear things that push the envelope of what is acceptable, but I can't.

I want to clean out my wardrobe, fix the things that I like, get rid of things that I don't like or don't fit. I'm not sure if I could ever do this, but I'd like to. I'm hoping that when I do I can try to sell some of my things at the local consignment store, so I can get some credit for them and then get more clothes that fit my style.

Of course, that means that I will have to figure out what my style is.

Oh Jesus, this is getting way to complicated.

On a slightly better note, I have been trying to eat a lot better this week. More fibery things (greek yoghurt is love!), more fruits (if bananas count), less... junk. For a couple of days I was eating nothing but crackers, but that was not a good thing at all. So I stopped that. No yummy crackers for the past couple of days.

Meh. So that's pretty much it, at the moment. But I have to give myself credit, I have cut down on a lot of crap, especially considering how stressed I am. Baby steps.

(A lot of this was just pure ranting, especially about how I look. But considering that this blog is called "Learning To Accept Myself", I need to... accept myself. The good and the bad. True, no?)

It's not a diet, it's a "lifestyle choice"...

I've always thought that line was complete and utter bullshit, personally. But at the same time I would be knocking it down, I would see other people who have made similar "lifestyle choices" losing tons of weight. While I stayed fat.

Obviously something wasn't right here. Either I was wrong about diets being bad/I had the wrong mindset, or eating all that junk food was making me fatter, which made other people just seem skinnier in comparison. But I still couldn't get into the mindset that I wasn't doing something bad, wasn't constricting myself in some way. I got used to people making comments about how I looked, or how I could be better, because in some way it seemed as though it was better to live with the comments then it would be to actually fix the problem.

In the past couple of days, something changed. In an email that I sent to one of my friends, I said that I was "sick of being fat". But that's not really the whole story. I'm sick of being... in a place, mentally and emotionally, where I am just content. I don't have any challenges, I don't have any real fun, I just exist from day to day. And I think that for too long, I have accepted that that was the way things were supposed to be, instead of reaching out and changing them.

But now I'm done with that. I'm working on eating better (right now I'm working on not eating all of my junk food at once, so if I eat something junky I have to balance it out with something healthy. Today my choices are a)small bag of chips with water b)can of Mtn. Dew with carrots, c) perogies with either some Dew or water, and d) chocolate with water. I hope that'll be enough to keep me full for a while, as I really don't want to have to go back to the store.) I'm putting myself out in the world more - joined the Socrates Cafe at the library, and I'm planning on working a lot less this summer and maybe going on some trips with my friends. And speaking of work, I'm not working as much as I used too, though my stress level hasn't gone down that much. But I guess babysteps are the way to go.

Scratch that. I KNOW babysteps are the way to go, and they're the only way that I am going to get any real results out of these changes. So yes. Babystepping.