A Re-Introduction of Sorts

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I've been trying to write this post for almost a week now, but it doesn't really ever come out right. And honestly, this is really important to me, so it's important that it comes out right, even though I'm not sure that there is a right way to say things sometimes, and you just have to roll with the way that they come out.

It seems kind of... odd for me to be writing this blog about 'learning to accept myself' when I'm not even really sure who I am. Recently I started noticing that I was turning into someone that I didn't really like, someone who did something that I completely abhor. I was - well, I can't really say was, because I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm still doing it - becoming one of those people who acts differently around different people. For a while I tried telling myself that it was only because I am more relaxed around different people, so the level of comfort that I have around them is different. But I don't think that's the whole story.

I was talking with one of my friends the other night - C., and he brought up the fact that when I started my other blog (the one about trying to be a 'lady') that he gave me some shit about it, because he thought that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. And while I tried to dispute that, I realized that he was probably right, and it had something to do with the same thing that I'm going through now... the fact that I really don't know what I like or who I am, so I was trying to fit myself into this idea that I had, of this ready made personality. It didn't work out though, and so here I am.

The more that C. and I talked, the better I felt about a lot of things. He moved away this week, and I'm glad. Not because I don't want him around - in fact, if I could have him and his girlfriend live with me all of the time that would probably work out really well for me. He is one of the few people that has stuck by my side through some really rough shit, stuff that has made other people leave. And for that, I'm grateful.

But with C., his girlfriend J., and my other friend B. all moving away in the coming weeks, I think that it's time to make some changes. I need to stop taking care of everyone else and start taking care of myself. Over the past few years I have stopped really taking into account what I like, and what I want out of my life, and instead have substituted picking parts of my friends personalities that I also like, and trying to pass them off as my own. Except... I'm discarding things that I like that they don't, which isn't fair.

So this is my re-introduction, and my new challenge of not only accepting myself, but also of finding out who I really am. I'll try to keep posting here if anyone gives a shit, and probably even if you don't.

<3